Bite Me!
by Mrs.EdwardMasenCullen
Summary: A collection of cliche and very ooc moments with the Cullens. Relating to my very own life experiences, but better. Cullens-Vamps, Jacob and Pack-Wolves, Bella-Human, Frank-Squirell/Vampire/Fish, ALL NORMAL COUPLES! R&R Constuctive Criticism!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Twilight, Duct tape, or Stephenie Meyer. Although I did use to be a spork in one of my past lives…**

**A/N: I'm sorry for my grammar and spelling mistakes; I'm not exactly the best at this and am new to it. Please tell me what you think and include constructive criticism! As I repeat VERY OOC! A story of SUPER CLICHÉS! The point of views will change from time to time so bear with me! **

**Bite Me**

Bella POV

I was getting ready for bed after feeding Charlie and felt absolutely exhausted. Walking into my room I noticed Edward was not sitting in the rocking chair or in my bed as usual. He was lying on the floor surrounded by pictures taken from my childhood photo albums.

"Hey what are looking at?" I asked as I sat on the bed while wringing out my hair with a small towel.

"Oh nothing. Just some old photos of you as a baby I didn't know you were so assertive." He answered showing me a picture of Charlie hunched over as I kicked him in the gut.

"Well I really didn't want to visit and they made me!" I pouted.

"As long as you didn't just kick him for the joy of exercise, I like your angry face." He frowned pulling me down onto the bed with him.

He kissed me softly and I started drifting off to the sound of my lullaby. About ten minutes later I kept getting more surface dreams when I heard my lullaby turn into something with more of a rhythm. At once my eyes shot open and I remembered the song. Edward had his eyes closed and was moving his hips and humming to the tune of Low by T-Pain and FloRida. When morning finally came I was so stunned by what had happened that I didn't get a wink of sleep. I was still trying to erase the memory form my mind when I heard a velvety voice whisper in my ear.

"Good morning Shaw-Love." Edward said, correcting himself, hoping to make me forget what he said he gave me a gentle kiss, and normally I forgot what day it was. However, I knew I really wanted to ask Alice what the hell was going on.

When we got to the house Alice took me up the stairs and into her room, and no, I do not mean running, we magically appeared there!

"I saw that you needed to talk to me." Alice said while eyeing me suspiciously.

"Alice," I started hesitantly "why does Edward know the rhythm to Low and Shake that?"

"Oh Emmett took him, Jasper, and Carlisle to a party a while back. Those songs are oddly memorable. I couldn't get the songs out of my head for about a month after Emmett burned the CD." She Answered.

That moment Edward came through the door, Jasper fell out of the closet holding his side and laughing, Emmett crashed through the ceiling on a bungee cord, and the crew to Punk'd along with Ashton Kutcher came through the window.

"Carmen Electra you have just been Punk'd!" Ashton yelled to the camera.

Jasper was jumping up and down behind Ashton trying to make himself seen on camera.

Then POOF! The Punk'd crew was gone, Edward gave me a snickers bar, Emmett went through the other wall, and Jasper passed out drunk.

**A/N Ok that pretty much sucked so please keep reading it WILL get better. Peace&Love! R&R**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the hot, smexii, Twilight characters but I do own this lovely smelling Sharpie…**

**A/N: First off I would like to thank my wonderful reviewers **

**cough-veryfew-cough. Come on! You can do better than that! I really thought this would be the START! Of something new! It feels so right! To be here with youuuu! But I guess I'm just –tear- going to have to get my head in the game and keep writing by myself. So Gimme More Gimme More Reveiews!**

Alice- OMFG B.E.L.L.A!

Bella- WTF!

Alice- ROFL Egg!

Bella- NVMD

Emmett- 5 Dollar! 5 Dollar! 5 Dollar Foot Loooooooog!

Alice and Bella- HFS ( holy friggin shiznit!) 5 dollars!

Everyone-WTH?

Edward- What are you doing?

Alice- IDK talking IM to my BFF Bella?

Rosalie- HEY!

Alice- Sry ONE of my BFF's Bella.

Rosalie- Thank you!

Jasper- Emmett what are you doing?

Emmett- Calling the general!

Announcer voice- Do you need car insurance? Call 1-800-General NOW!

Everyone- …

Alice- SBWDYWTDT?

Bella- ??

Alice- So Bella, what do you want to do today?

Bella- OH! IDKBAORBAP?

Alice- TTS! LGDI!

Edward- You don't want to know…trust me (shivers)

Jasper- Oh Trust me, I know, Alice made me talk like that for one day strait once…I cought on pretty well.

Rosalie- Why do I smell smoke? ALICE YOU ARE SOOOO DEAD!

Emmett- Damn! That was her good thong!


	3. AN

**A/N: I am so sorry I have trouble with writing stuff on my computer on the weekends I will give you a clue the next story will be up later today and it will be titled JUDGE ESME!!**


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Ok I would like to say that later on there will be some Edward nudeness! Sadly I do not own that but if I did WOO BOY the things I would do…..**

**A/N: IThinkTheDisclaimerPrettyMuchCoversEverythingAndNowIm**

**HypervenalatingAtTheSightInMyHead! HEEHEEHOO!**

**Judge Esme!**

Bailiff - ALL RISE! The court calls for the defendant Bella and the Prosecuter Alice to the stand!

Bella- WTF did I do!

Alice- YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID!

Bella- Please tell me because I am really getting freaked out about now.

Alice- You…you…you took the polish off your nails and left chips! After all that I have taught you and you still don't go to my manicurist!

Rosalie walks over to Bella and slaps her.

Bella- !!

Judge Esme- What do you have to say for yourself Bella?

Bella- Uhm…Im sorry?

Everyone- le Gasp!

Bella- What?

Alice- You despise me Bella! You disobey me and all you have to say for yourself is I'm sorry? YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION!

Just then Edward runs in the courtroom with Carlisle and Emmett nude. Jasper is in the corner smirking, obviously I on the plan. Bella gets up from her table and runs after Edward who squeals and smashes through the wall.

Emmett- NATIONAAAL AMEEEERICAN UNIVEEERSITY!

Everyone- WTF?

Judge Esme- Ok, tune in next week with JUDGE ESME! Did the Windex bottle really leave streaks? Or does the window have more splainen to do?

**A/N: please give me ideas of what you would like to read about! SNIFF THEM SHARPIES! R&R!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I would like to send a shout out to AnEclipseInBlack, thank you so so so much for helping me out with both stories you're a lifesaver. RUM FLAVORED! Haha jk but thanx.**

**The Amazing Volvito!**

(The whole Cullen family is in the garage watching Rosalie fix the Porche, when Bella looks over at Edward)

Bella- Edward what are you doing?

Edward- (while petting the Volvo) giving my dear Erotico some love.

Bella- What about me!

Emmett- Why is it named Erotico?

Edward- Because it is Italian for sexy - (I'm pretty sue that's true)

Bella- YOU NAMED YOUR CAR SEXY!

Edward- What's so bad about that?

Bella- UGH!

Bella and Alice run into the house

Alice- I've been waiting to do this for a long time! It's like my favorite vision!

Bella- What about me becoming a vampire!

Alice- -shrugs- I also see you becoming a crackwhore.

Jasper- Can I help? I'm sick of him making fun of me for worshiping those Hot Topic pants and he needs a taste of his own medicine.

Alice and Bella- 0o0

(Mission Impossible theme song comes on)

Alice- Ok Bella your going to need to- (fades away into another scene later on with the plan)

Bella goes home with Edward and asks if he can run her to their house tomorrow because she wants to get used to it, Edward agrees. After he leaves Alice picks up Bella to take her to where they have stored the Volvo. Jasper, Esme, Alice and Bella are in the clearing surrounding the Volvo.

Alice- Bella you sit there and make yourself smell good so Edward can find us. I will cover the car in gasoline then throw some matches at it, Esme you can try and clean up afterward and Jasper… why are you here?

Jasper- (showing off muscles) I'm the big strong man here to defend you lovely ladies.

Alice- (pats Jaspers cheek) If you say so.

20 minutes later

Edward- (from a distance) OMIGOD! MY BEAUTIFUL VOLVO! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

Alice, Jasper, and Esme run off in all directions to leave a sad and dry sobbing Edward behind...BUT WAIT…they left Bella!

Edward- Oh Erotico! I love you!

Bella- Edward…

Edward- YOU! YOU DID THIS!

Bella- You love your car more than me! I'm outa here! OH JACOB!

**A/N: I know I still suck.**


	6. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

**Disclaimer: BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH! Nope none is mine!**

**A/N! Whoops sorry 'bout the exclamation marks! I'm hyper! Can you tell! Haha! Well I guess I am the ONLY person that will fall over or trip while serving in volleyball in two different serves! I'm not kidding you! Haha! I was playing Coed Adult league volleyball (I'm not an adult tho Shh!) And my very first serve my leg goes WHOOSH behind me and I go DOWN! Then a little while later somehow my leg went behind me AGAIN but this time I didn't land in the splits it didn't make it to the floor but again, I go DOWN! And fall flat on my face! And I tell you for later references the floor to the floor of our high school does NOT smell good!**

**Its Britney Bitch**

Emmett- Gimme Gimme More! Gimme More, Gimme Gimme, Mooore!

Edward- Dear God Emmett what the fuck are you doing?

Bella- (slaps Edward) LANGUAGE!

Edward- (Weeps) AFTER THE VOLVO THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME!

Bella- Be a man! Rub some dirt on it!

Jasper- So Emmett wtf?

Emmett- ITS BRITNEY BITCH!

Alice- (filing nails) omg like she is so 5 years ago!

Emmett- Why can't people leave Britney alone! She's having a hard enough time without you criticizing her!

Rosalie- That bald mother fu—

Emmett- She's dieing on the inside!

(From the background there is the sound of a guitar and other instruments)

Jacob- (out the window) I wanna beep you beep you in the backseat of my car! I wanna see you in the backseat on our way to a bar! I wanna beep you—

Bella- STOP! I will not beep you Jacob! I don't even know how to beep!

Jacob- We can learn together!

Mike- WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER! ONCE WE KNOW THAT WERE ARE WERE ALL STARS AND WE SEE THAT—

Everyone- WTF?

Bella- (Petting Jacob's head) its okay POOFER you know I hate you too!

Jacob- POOFER?

Bella- yes you run and jump when you get mad and POOF! HAIRY SON OF A WERE LAMA!

Jacob- (runs and POOFS)

Edward- (runs over to Bella and starts viciously making out with her)

Jasper- (Pulls down his pants and using his "YOU KNOW" as a machine gun) SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

Alice- well hello little Jazzy! You're sure perky today!

(Mike runs off into the sunset with Madonna who is really a guy)

**THE END (of chapter)**

**A/N: LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK**


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Nigahiga and Stephenie Meyer do!**

**A/N: ****Okay I am officially pissed I have had this story on for how long? And I have 23 reviews; that is just sad considering all the Alerts and Favorites. Three words PA-THE-TIC. Do you want to know why I haven't updated EITHER of my stories for so long? I was waiting for more reviews. Yes the other one I put o n just maybe a few days after this one, 2 reviews. 2!! So review because I am friggen PO'D!!**

**No Name**

Alice- Meow (crawling on floor by Jasper's feet in a cat costume)

Emmett- How many chocolate bars do you think I could fit in my mouth?

Bella- (looking at Edward) you have the cleanest right nostril I have _ever_ seen.

Edward- YOUR FACE has the cleanest right nostril I have ever seen! Oooh Buuurn!

Rosalie- That's so stupid.

Edward- Your stupid!

Emmett- YOUR FACE IS STUPID!

Bella- EDWARD IM PREGNANT!

Edward- You are? Who's the dad?

Bella- YES and Jacob's the father!

Alice- Seriously?

Bella- No.

Emmett- the Alaska Railroad has a host of day tours and adventure-filled vacation filled options. Come see for yourself!

Everyone- HUH?

Carlisle- Oh Yah YEE HAW GIVE IT TO ME!

Esme- Ride 'um cowboy!

(Carlisle rides down the stairs riding a wooden horse)

Bella- That's hot.

Edward- You're ho-

Everyone- WE GET IT!

**A/n: that sucked sorry Review or die blahblahblahblahblah**.


	8. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: u no the drill

**Disclaimer: u no the drill**

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY! I have been so busy with the end of school and other stuff I totally let all u guys down! I feel so bad :-( TELL ME HOW I CAN MAKE IT 2 U! I am so so so so so so sorry! Ok I think that covers it all I really hope I can redeem myself as u might have seen I deleted my other story cuz I only had 3 reviews. ACK! –Sticks tongue out- NOT QUITE GOOD ENOUGH! So let me no and all that Jazz! BTW! I finished The Host lest week and IT ROCKED MY POLKA DOT SOX! U MUST READ IT! (I call Jared and Ian! Yes I do mean both, but I have to share with Leiana)**

**Paper Towels and Chocolate Flavored Thongs**

_(The whole crew is in the bathroom at some magical hotel somewhere trying to find how the paper towel dispenser works)_

Emmett- NO! NO! Its right HERE! (_Waving hand under dispenser_)

Japer- YOU FOOL! Its right HERE! _(Waving hand in from of it)_

Bella- _(attempting a roundhouse kick) _THE DISPENSER YOU MUST BE!

Alice- _(jumps up really high in slo-mo while kicking the dispenser which makes it blow up) _Its Here, BIATCH!

Carlisle- _(from the bathroom stall) _uh can I have some privacy please?

Bella- I thought u guys didn't have to use the bathroom.

Jasper- oh we don't, Carlisle just likes to pretend, and he even gets drunk on a regular basis.

Carlisle- _(flushing) _I'M A BIG KID NOW!

Emmett- _(gets pushed from behind by Bella and drops a pen that POOFS! Into his hand) _Pick. Up. The. Pen.

Bella- No, u dropped it.

Emmett- U PUSHED ME!

Bella- It's your pencil!

Emmett- But I have more dots in my head!

Bella- Touché (_bend-and-snaps to pick up pencil but elbows Alice in the face causing her to POOF! into the other room and fall down the stairs.)_

Emmett- Fast actin' TINACTIN!

Everyone- WTF?

Bella- _(staring at Emmett) _Hey I like your ear hole.

Emmett- uh…thanks?

Bella- ENERGIZER MAX!

Jasper- RAINBOW NAIL POLISH!

Bella- CHOCOLATE FLAVORED THONG!

Jasper- STRAWBERRY SCENTED PANTYHOSE!

Bella- EDIBLE BUBBLES!

Jasper- Is there such a thing as edible bubbles?

Bella- Yep! I ate a whole bottle yesterday.

Jasper- _(takes a tube of bubbles form Bella) _these are real bubbles…

**A/N: this one was really short but I wanted to do SOMETHING! Just to say the paper towel thing is a true story. It actually happened to me and my friends. We were in the bathroom at school at the STUPID PAPER THING WOULDN'T WORK! So we kind of thought of this and it stuck. The ear hole thing and the nostril thing from another chapter are from the videos of nigahiga on youtube and they ROCK, and are kind of hot if u think about it. So whatever I might include some nigahiga in later chapters so ya. Whatev gimme some ideas and the chapters will be bigger! And the whole dots in my head thing ya another inside joke of ours. And of course the random word fight…another of our things. Ya were very odd.**


	9. Chapter 8

A/N: Have you ever noticed that when you enter a room of talkative toddlers it sounds like Chinese

**A/N: Have you ever noticed that when you enter a room of talkative toddlers it sounds like Chinese? Well me and Leiana have…we were on out way to the preschool room at school to help our prayer buddies make mothers day presents and we get to the door it sound like "He ya hai seng chow wei!" of something along the lines of that. So we go in there and start talking like that to them and it's the funniest thing ever. So then later the little guys were acting so DARN CUTE! We had a conversation about how immature the boys in our class were since they made a tower of cardboard bricks and then crashed through it after taking a picture when Shelby goes "Ill take him as my boyfriend." And she hugs this little kid that she was paling around with and he backs away with these HUMONGOUS eyes and practically freaks out. AND (Haha long AN) just a bit earlier the little guy Leiana was helping was practically stocking her by saying stuff about going to her house and petting her cats. Sadly the only thing my lil guy did was talk about being a dragon berry when he grows up and using really quite technical terms for a 3 or 4 year old. Those little buggers are just about the cutest thing EVER! NOW ON TO THE STORY!**

**The scary Vacuum of DOOM! **

Edward- Hey where was I in the last chapter?

Bella- Making cookies in the microwave.

Edward- I was?

Bella- Yep

Alice- I thought he was Volvo shopping?

Bella- _WHAT!_

Edward- I can ex-

Bella- I told you that I was going to get you golf cart. WOULD YOU RATHER ME MAKE THAT A VW BUG! IN RAINBOW COLORS!

Jasper- I AM NOT GAY!

Edward- The Volvo is for you sweet cheeks!

Bella- It was?

Edward- Uhm…yes?

Bella- You lying son of a bitch.

Alice- How can you say that with a straight face?

Bella- It's a talent of mine.

Emmett- WWJE?

Edward- Huh?

Emmett- I'm on a diet. I didn't know weather to eat the chocolate bar or the chocolate shake, so I was asking you, What Would Jesus Eat?

Bella- I would go with the shake it has more calories and you don't get thirsty as fast!

Alice- Or buy some cotton candy! IT'S LIKE EATING CLOTHES!

_(Jasper jumps onto the corner of the balcony like he's flying on the Titanic)_

Japer- JACK IM FLYING!

Alice- Who the fuck is Jack?

Jasper- MY SECRET MAN-SLUT!

Bella- Ah shit, are we supposed to get man-sluts now?

Edward- I'll be your man-slut just don't hit me again! Whoops I don't think I was supposed to say that….

Bella- You unforgiving selfish ass!

_(Edward squeals and tries to run into another room but Bella tackles him, puts him into a headlock, and bites his ear)_

**A/N: yeah very odd (most of the odd thing that are in my story are from real life experiences Haha) …I'm so pissed right now, its Wednesday right…? Well we were told yesterday that for our continuation ceremony at the Church tomorrow we could wear spaghetti straps just no strapless dresses. So we were all "Okay that's fine" but then today our principal comes to help rehearse, and she tells us that THE DRESS CODE WILL BE ENFORCED! Grr I am so P-O's my dress is spaghetti straps. WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED! So I had to rush to find a wrap of some kind to cover up my shoulders and my back. Grr… but JUMP FOR JOY! Only one more day of real school left! **


	10. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I KEEP FORGETTING THESE! I do not own Twilight or anything of the sort. Please dont arrest me. **

**A/N: SHOUT OUT TO Soen22! YOU ROCK MY SOX! Haha it's so nice to know there are more of people like me and my friends out there –tear- it's just so emotional! We had our school Talent show Thursday...damn that was long, boring and weird…l but the gummy worms were REALLY good. Then I got caramel in my hair. But yesterday we had track and field…ugh it got really hot but I was so so so so excited because I tied the record with high jump! I beat the other girl who beat me all the time last year! I'm like ecstatic! **

**IDK the title of this story hehehehehehe**

Bella- Why. WHY! Did you have to do that Alice?

Alice- I have no clue what you are talking about. –Whistles-

Bella- You went and told Charlie that I abuse Edward!

Alice- OH THAT! I thought you meant about the vision, and us, and the box of ace bandages.

Bella- Ace bandages?

Alice- -whispers Bella the secret plan involving ace bandages-

_(Later)_

Bella- -whispering inside a shopping cart at SUPER Wal-Mart- okay ill get the fingernail polish, you get the bandages GO, GO, GO!

_(5 second later)_

Bella- UGH THIS IS NOT RIGHT!

Alice- what are you holding?

Bella- WHAT _ARE _YOU!

Alice- It's a pineapple, and why don't you have the fingernail polish?

Bella- How did I end up in the produce department?

_(Later, the two girls are running out of the store with Bella in the cart without paying for anything.)_

Bella- WE MADE IT! FREE AT LAST!

Alice- Or are we?

Bella- What?

_(WEE HOO WEE HOO –police siren noises-)_

Police man- Stop right there ladies.

Bella- Charlie?

Charlie- Bella?

Alice- Alice?

Everyone- WTF?

Alice- I wanted to be included.

Charlie- Bella, what are you doing? Why did you just steal a whole bunch of Ace bandages and fingernail polish? I thought we talked about this?

Bella- It's not fingernail polish it's a pineapple.

Alice- _(whispering) _it's fingernail polish.

Charlie- I need to take you girls into the station, sorry.

Bella- Come on dad it's just me and Alice can't you just give us a warning.

Charlie- You girls just stole from Wal-Mart and you want me to give you a warning?

_(Bella is in handcuffs in the back of the car while Alice chats with Charlie in the front)_

Bella- YOU WONT GET AWAY WITH THIS I TELL YOU! I HAVE A RIGHT TO LAWYER!

Charlie- And where are you going to get the money for this lawyer Bella?

Bella- Well… Uhm… Yeah…Damnit.

_(Later at the station)_

Bella- _(on the phone) _Edward I need you to come to the police station and pick me and Alice up… we were arrested… no I didn't do anything wrong… BARROWING IS NOT A CRIME... But get some chips first… IM HUNGRY!

_(Later at home)_

Bella- I WANTED RUFFLES! _(Hits Edward with the bag of chips until he cries)_

_(Police siren noises in the background)_

**A/N: Tomorrow is Continuation YAY! Wish us luck. Peace&Love R&R **


	11. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: Nope not mine

**Disclaimer: Nope not mine.**

**A/N: This is a challenge I hope I do it justice. I'm sooo tired so this one won't be very long.**

**Kiwis and other stuff**

_(Emmett is in the house, playing with the fuzz on a kiwi while he attempts at playing the Wii but keeps breaking the handle)_

Emmett-DAMN IT! NO!

Bella- Emmett…Emmett…Emmett…Emmett…Emmett…

Alice- Bella…Bella…Bella…Bella…Bella…Bella…

Jasper- Jasper…Jasper…Jasper…Jasper…Jasper…Jasper…Jasper…

Edward- -sniffles and shuts off the Wii-

Emmett- DUDE!

Bella- Edward? Did I tell you to do that?

Edward- No, your majesty. –Bows head-

(_Emmett goes to a corner with his kiwi and turns back around in a second with it sticking out of his nose)_

Emmett- TA DA!

_(Everyone veeeeerrrryy slowly claps)_

Bella- Edward, I want a parade.

Alice- Did someone say party!

Bella- Nope.

Edward- How, when, and where shall this parade be held?

Bella- All throughout Forks, in an hour, on a float.

Edward- Just a parade for you?

Bella- Silly Edward, them parade is not FOR me, I'm IN the parade.

(_In the parade while Dane Cook tells jokes)_

Bella- NOBODY IS WATCHING!

Edward- Yes they are. –Points to Emmett who is attempting at poking himself in the eye with a flag but it keeps going to his mouth-

(_In the back, behind Emmett, a small child is playing with his Hotweels and pretending to make car accidents) _

Bella- -hits Edward with her feather boa- Next time we go to Italy, I get to wear the fangs. Got it?

**A/N: Ok I think that totally stunk! So not Soen22 I challenge you now to write a chapter about Man Stink, wrinkle cream, Kleenex boxes, and Ferti-lome Yield Booster. GO GO GO!**


	12. AN 2

WAIT OMIGOD I AM SO SORRY

**WAIT OMIGOD I AM SO SORRY! That was a challenge for ****Pale-And-Preculure**** so so very sorry I'm so out of it sorry :-( **


	13. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Okay I have a really good question for all of you: if ANYONE on wrote the actual story they are "fanfiction-ing" about do you really think they would be sitting here and writing them or WRITING THE ACTUAL BOOK! Maybe that's why **_**Breaking Dawn**_** hasn't come out yet... **

**ON WITH IT!**

**Cookies**

Bella- Damn! No! Fuck! Shit! Hell!

Alice- Naughty, naught Bella. What's with the language?

Bella- I cannot start the F-ing oven!

Alice- That's not the oven hun, that's the refrigerator.

Bella- Does that mean this is the oven? _(Points to the bread maker) _Because I just put a glass of juice in it.

Alice- Sweetie that's not juice, that's Emmett's hair brush.

Bella- WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME NAMES?!

Alice- I donno.

Edward- Why are you lovely ladies staring at the bread maker. WAIT! Why do we _have _a bread maker? We don't eat –coughs- bread.

Bella- O0o.o0O

Alice- That is a VERY good question.

_(Phone dialing in the background) _**Haha when I wrote background I almost wrote bread maker JESUS I JUST DID IT AGAIN!**

Bella- -to person on the phone- Doctor Feel Good, yes I heard about you from a friend and wanted to ask if I could set up a meeting for my family, I believe they are bulimic, well my boyfriend coughed when he said they don't eat bread and his "sister" laughed nervously.

Jasper- -from the phone- Bella that was a joke they called me Doctor Feel Good because I can manipulate the emotions around me. I am NOT a real doctor

Bella- --surprised- YOU CAN MANIPULATE THE EMOTIONS AROUND YOU!

_(Jasper hangs up)_

Bella- EHMAGAWD!

Edward- Bella, its okay he just hung up on you, he still likes you.

Bella- THE MICROWAVE!

_(Two minutes later)_

Alice- Bella, what is that smell?

Bella- MY COOKIES!

(_Bella pulls a plate of cookies that have started on fire from the microwave and throws them in the sink to put the fire out with water. Then starts to grab a handful to put on a plate and try again)_

Bella- if only for ONE minute-

Edward- No more for now.

(_Edward takes the plate away from her and closes the microwave while Alice and Emmett come in dressed like firemen)_

Alice and Emmett- WHERE'S THE FIRE!

_(Bella grabs the bowl of cookie dough and starts eating it with her fingers as Edward frowns, points to the microwave for Alice and Emmett, and leads Bella up to his room by her waist) _

(_Later about 11:00 at night Bella is asleep and then all the sudden sits strait up)_

Bella- WHAT IF THEY START THE TRASHCAN ON FIRE!

Edward- Will it make you go to sleep if I take the trash bag to the front porch?

Bella- But it might set the house on fire!

_(Edward sighs and takes the trash to the dumpster)_

**A/N: My dad did that once, he tried to microwave cookies, then the thought they were gonna set our house on fire. It stunk SOOO bad in our house for like a week after that. But the second batch of cookies tasted pretty good and didn't burn. **


	14. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own any marbles or the Twilight series. Ugh. It's just so hard for us all isn't it, always getting asked if we own the series, because we look SOOO much like Stephenie Meyer. Seriously. But I do have to say that I am in no way against relationships of the same sex. I may be a little bit racist but I would never intentionally hurt someone about there sexual orientation or the color of their skin.**

**A/N: Ok if you have not already watched the video by NoMoreMarbles called "****MTV MAYHEM! Awesome."you must because Shelby sent it to me and I laughed so so so so hard the whole time and then more. At about 2:50, probably the 5****th**** time I watched it, I just started thinking about the conversation after that happens, this is what I came up with; **

Kristen(K)- Did you just slap my ass?

Rob(R)- I believe I did.

K- Why?

R- 'Cuz you have a nice ass.

K- Do _I_ have a nice ass or does Bella have a nice ass?

R- That's a hard one there… I would have to say Bella.

K- You son of a bitch.

R- WHAT?

-Kristen slaps Rob and walks away-

**The first time I wrote that a yo momma fight broke out but it turned out longer than the story so I had to cut it out. Yeah I know that was really weird and everything but I had a snowcone the other day when I thought of that, and I just couldn't stop laughing at a piece of my cats fur that got on the shirt, then every single thing that happened would make me laugh and I started to get really hyper. So please forgive me. ON WITH IT!**

**Oreo-tation **

**At the ****Cullen's house**

Bella- Edward, we need to talk.

Edward- That doesn't sound too good.

Bella- Ok, if you just want me to go on living a lie…

Edward- No please tell me.

Bella- Can I tell you anything?

Edward- Of course now shoot.

Bella- I am in love with Alice.

_(silence, crickets are chirping in the backround)_

Bella- Edward?

Edward- O.O

Bella- Ok I'm just going to let you ponder this for a second.

Edwrad- Wait. How long has this been going on?

Bella- Well it all happened when we stopped at Applebees on our way home from the mall…

_(wavy screen change thing)_

**Flashback**

_-Bella drops some spagetti sause onto her lap-_

_Bella- Well shit on a stick!_

_Alice- On a stick?_

_Bella- Yes. Do you know how hard it is to do that on a stick?_

_Alice- No…_

_Bella- Exactly._

_-Alice stares at Bella's teeth for a little while-_

_Bella- You have the most beautiful eyes I have _ever _seen._

**Flashback ends**

_(wavy screen change thing again)_

Edward- Bella, you do know that you had a piece of cilantro on your teeth when she took you to out eat right?

Bella- I don't care what I had on my teeth all I know is that Alice has beautifull eyes.

Edward- I HAVE THE SAME EYES AS HER!

Bella- You do?

_(Edward stares into Bella's eyes)_

Bella- Your breath smells like onion rings… I love it.

**A/N: Well that was odd, I just thought of that and decided to use it. Peace&Love. R&R.**


	15. Chapter 13

Disclaimer- Ok this is my very last disclaimer because I write one for every story and it's really obvious that I DO NOT OWN T

**Disclaimer- Ok this is my very last disclaimer because I write one for every story and it's really obvious that I DO NOT OWN THEM! My new disclaimer will be for all of my stories and you can find it on my profile**

**.A/N: Sorry it has taken so long to update I was waiting for an idea to hit me and I was really busy with volleyball and basketball. I won't be updating next week or be able to answer any questions until next Thursday. I will be at basketball camp in Wyoming. I will be trying something new now so let me know if it's really confusing. ON WITH IT!**

**Paper cuts**

**Edward- Bold, **_Alice- Italics, _Emmett- ­underlined, Bella- normal, If another person gets thrown in somewhere I'll let u no who it is.

**Bella, do you love me? You really haven't shown any emotion lately.**

Unconditionally and irrevocably!

**Huh?**

It's on the back of the book dumbass.

_What book?_

Twilight

What's "Twilight"?

It's a book about us.

**All of us? Like every secret… all the little details? EVERYTHING?**

Not _everything_. I don't think… I never got passed the first page.

**Why didn't you get passed the first page? **

There was a bid word. "Positive"!

CAN I READ IT!? 

_You know what happened last time you read a book Emmett…_

_(_FLASHBACK)

Emmett starts reading a Dr. Seuss book but gets a paper cut.

Emmett- AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! It burns! It burns! I'm going to dieeeee!

Rosalie- Emmett it can't bleed, it can't burn, you didn't get cut, and you are already dead.

Emmett- WHAT!

(END FLASHBACK)

**Emmett, you stayed in your room for a month after that, and you only came out to pee, and its impossible for you to do that.**

DAMN YOU!

_Hey, I was reading this Twilight book and it's strangely true. Except the part about the vampires of course. Those are mystical creatures._

_(Alice bites into a rabbit.)_

(whispering to Bella) **She still thinks we're ant eaters.**

OOOHHH...

**A/N: I know –nods head- it just cane out, my fingers have a mind of their own. –Holds up the computer mouse- WHAT **_**ARE **_**YOU?! Haha THAT **JUST** HAPPENED! Guess what I quoted then and I'll shout out to ya. Maybe I'll even use an idea or do a challenge.**


	16. Chapter 14

**A/N: DUN NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH BATMAN! That was odd I know but I have no clue what else to say. I will be completing a challenge given by Pale-And-Preculure. Mouse's, Lemons, Red water bottles and Sports Check, whatever floats your boat!**

Edward- ZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzz

Jasper- What's with the Z's?

**Edward- Mouse's, Lemons, Red water bottles and Sports Check! IM DONE! Haha jkjk.**

Edward- I'm sleepy!!

Jasper- Why? You can't sleep.

Edward- Because I was up all last night doing lemony stuff in the bedroom! WITH BELLA!

Jasper- I thought you refused until she was changed?

Edward- Well obviously you haven't read Breaking Dawn!

Alice- EHMAGAWD!

Edward and Jasper- Huh?

Alice- I like read that and like I was like WHOA! And like Bella was like WHAAA? And I was like FO LIKE SHO!

_Silence_

Alice- I KNOW!

Bella- Alice maybe you should go back to the fluffy padded room.

Alice- NO! ZERE ARE MOUSE'S! THEY VILL EAT ME ALIVE!

_Silence again_

Alice- I KNOW!

Emmett- (drinking from a champagne flute) Yes sire I most certainly will!

Edward- You will what?

Emmett- TAKE EVERYONE TO SPORTS CHECK!

Everyone- WAHOO!

_-at Sports Check Emmett, Bella, and Alice are riding in carts. Rosalie rolls her eyes and walks the cart with Emmett in it away. Edward stares at Bella's butt and runs into a tower of Duct Tape. Jasper tries to push the cart but is too weak and collapses on the ground shaking.- _

Rosalie- Emmett why am I not in the cart?

Emmett- That is because you are wearing a thong.

Rosalie- What does that have to do with anything?

Emmett- -_whispering- _People can see your butt! Hehehehehe

Rosalie- No one is here!

Emmett- SO!?

Edward- Bella, why am I not in the cart?

Bella- Because you are the man!

Edward- Ohhhhhhh

Alice- (_filing her nails) _Jasper just let me push the cart.

Jasper- (_panting and on his knees still trying to push the cart) _NO!

_Alice throws some red water bottles at Jasper as Emmett, Rosalie, Edward, and Bella race by towards the finish line which is the men's bathroom. Bella is singing I Kissed a Girl while putting on cherry chap stick and making kissy faces at Rosalie._

Bella- (_Standing by a urinal next to Edward and Emmett) _Dudes, this isn't working.

Edward- I know what you mean. _(Zips pants)_

Emmett- _(points finder at urinal and pees from his finger.) _I don't know what your talking about I'm doing just fine.

_Alice runs in pushing the cart filled with about 100 bricks and a pouting Jasper._

Alice- Did we make it?!

**A/N: OK this challenge is COMPLETE! Now your turn Pale-And-Preculure!!**


	17. Chapter 15

A/N: If you are totally confused with this chapter it is my fault because I am very hyper

**A/N: If you are totally confused with this chapter it is my fault because I am very hyper. I would like to thank my one lonely reviewer ****Pale-And-Preculure****. If anyone is reading this I would like to ask you to read her story **_**Random Conversations **_**because it ROX MY POLKA DOT SOX! That's right polka dot. Not striped, not patterned. POLKA** **DOT! And, they are not just any kind of sox. THEY ARE TOE SOX! HELL YEAH! Now I am not gonna pimp my story but I did write another one and we are all going to cross our fingers and hope it doesn't suck just as much as everything else besides this has. ALSO! I gave in and made a myspace. That's right you heard me. Myspace. If you want to know the url PM or review me.**

**My challenge from P-A-P (btw your name is long and Im lazy so ima nickname you after a pap screening. JKJK!) **_**Forst, Barb Wire, Clinique Fall Magazine**_**, (there was an awesome Clinique store in the student center at Wyoming for basketball that we used the makeup from when the seniors stole ours in one of our freshman initiation pranks) **_**Slaughter Houses and Nail Clippings**_**. WHOOP! Now since the A/N is longer than the actually chapter is im going to get on with it.**

Alice- OH EM GEE!

Emmett- What now?

Alice- The Clinique Fall Magazine is out! AHHHHH!

Emmett- -high pitch girly scream-

Alice- Wow Bella I'm very proud of your devotion to me and my fashion needs.

Bella- That was so not me, Emmett did it.

Edward- -to Emmett- Dude?

Emmett- What? I got over excited.

Jasper- Em, Its makeup.

Emmett- Yeah I know.

Bella- I'm more masculine than you Emmett. –Throws some flyers onto the coffee table-

Edward- What's this?

Bella- Charlie got them from work. They are free tickets to visit the Forst Brewery in Italy.

Emmett- -girly high pitched scream again-

Edward- What the hell dude?

Emmett- BEER!

Carlisle- Running down the stairs- No no no no NO!

Emmett- -whiny voice- But why?

Carlisle- You remember what happened last time you got drunk?

_Swishy scene change flash back thingy_

Bella- WAIT! You can get drunk?

Edward- Something in the chemical mixtures messes with our brains.

Bella- Oh ok carry on.

_Swishy scene change flash back thingy again_

_-_The guys are breaking into a slaughter house drunk after thinking they are seriously in need of blood.-

Emmett- MY FOOT IS STUCK ON THE BARBWIRE! HELP!

Edward- -giggling- barbwire! Haha!

Emmett- -pulling very softly in slow motion- AHHHHH help!

Jasper- I GOT MORE BEER GUYS! 

-police sirens-

Edward- Charlie?

Charlie- Boys I thought I told you last time if you're going to get drunk go pool jumping they really don't care if you steal the blood from a slaughter house.

Edward- But we're vampires!

Charlie- Sure you are and I am and alligator.

Emmett- REALLY!

Charlie- Get in the car boys.

_Swirly scene change back thingy_

Bella- I thought the scene change was supposed to be swishy.

Edward- This damn thing must be broke again!

Carlisle- Ok fine we can go but this time Emmett can't bring his bag of nail clippings.

Emmett- -whiny voice- But why!

Rosalie- Here we go again.

**A/N: Please review :-D Peace&Luv R&R**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: I know it's been a while, but I actually TRY to have a life outside of the Twilight community. I have decided that I will update every once and a while but not very often over the school year. And I do need 2 work on my other story. So if any1 has suggestions I highly appreciate it. I am running on left over gas. Okay that came out wrong. Let's just say I'm kind of having a hard time writing lately. Let's see… I want this to be longer so I am going to put a bunch of o's down the page, okay?**

**O**

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**The things I do for my three or four readers…**

RAWR!

Emmett- RAWR?

RAWR!

Edward- hmm…

Emmett- RAWR?

RAWR!

Bella- What the sam hell…?

Emmett- RAWR?

RAWR!

Bella- honestly? What the funk?

Lilrawrdude-RAWR!

Edward- I like you lilrawrdude.

Lilrawrdude- and I like you sexy man.

Bella launches herself at lilrawrdude.

Edward- babe you just bit the computer.

Bella- Did I really? Well that's embarrassing. I mean we do have company. Can't you please control yourself around my family Edward?

Lilrawrdude- personally I do not think It is sexy mans fault. He did try to move the computer. And I am a paperclip…

Bella- YOU'RE A PAPER CLIP?!? How did you end up in the computer? IT'S OKAY I'LL GET YOU OUT!

Bella launches herself at the computer again.

Edward- will you please STOP doing that?

Bella- doing what?

Edward- jumping on the computer screen and chewing on it!

Bella- But lilrawrdude is IN THERE! AND HE NEEDS OUT! He's calling for me… -twitch-

Lilrawrdude- you cannot save me Belle. I am sorry but I am to stay here and help you complete your mission.

Bella- my name is Bella, and what's my mission?

Lilrawrdude- to complete this story, DUH. –Whispers- crazy bitch. –Disappears-

Bella- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bella jumps on top of the computer crying and weakly punches it until Edward picks her up off it while she clutches the power cord. Until she sees that he in shirtless then she turns in his arms to bite his abs.

Bella's family who were watching the entire time- Whoa…

**A/N: yeah I know I'm a little rusty. So I will start small and try as best as possible under the circumstances. Please please please review.**

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**A/N: hehe I know.**

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_-=wuddafuxubwibatt?=-_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/**


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